should have loved

Tilly is 30, a Project Manager and lives in Los Angeles, California with her husband, Lee.

What has eating and cooking been like in the time of coronavirus?

I feel like it's one giant episode of Chopped -laughs-.

What role did your mom play in the kitchen when you were growing up?

We joke that she’s the Jewish Martha Stewart. She loves any occasion to host and has a ton of foldable chairs and tables, like the kind people rent for weddings, so we can accommodate more than 40 people for Thanksgiving and Passover. She moves furniture around to make it work. We always hosted cookie decorating parties around the holidays and made big spaghetti dinners for family birthdays - we even have a special birthday tablecloth that my mom brought with her to NY for my husband’s birthday one year. 

Where do you think that came from?

My mom’s mom, my Nona. She loves feeding others so much that she’ll cook a big meal and as we all dig in, she prefers to sit and watch us all enjoy before she makes herself a little plate.

What’s your most indulgent pleasure?

Chicken nuggets and Gushers.

In college did you ever come up with any “high munchies”?

There was a time during my first semester of college when my girlfriends and I went to Taco Bell almost every night. We would roll a massive blunt, hot box my friend’s Jeep, and each of us would eat a Big Bell Box Meal. It was fucking disgusting. I became a vegetarian for five years after that -laughs-.

Favorite restaurant?

If money were no object, I would eat at Mr. Chow once a week. I love the one in Tribeca, but I’ll do the one in Beverly Hills if I must. Also, Mastro’s in Malibu because I love a seafood tower. 

Who did the cooking when you were growing up?

I lived with my mom and stepdad growing up, but my biological dad went to culinary school and worked in professional kitchens for a while so we spent a lot of our time together cooking. My mom cooked weeknight meals and my stepdad grilled. We had a lot of takeout as I got older and when I was old enough, I cooked my own meals. I also dieted a lot when I was younger so sometimes it was like, “Mom and I are doing Lean Cuisine - everyone else can eat whatever.” 

Why were you dieting?

I always felt like I was overweight. Looking at old pictures makes me sad sometimes - I had so much shame and hatred toward a body I should have loved a lot more. I did Slimfast when I was in middle school. My mom tried to make it a game and if I lost weight, I’d get to pick out a new pair of jeans or something. 

What was it like to be going through that in middle school?

It felt adult to be able to diet and control these things. As a kid, you don't get to have preferences about what you eat. You eat what everyone else is eating - at least, I did. My brother was super picky but I never was. In middle school and high school I wouldn’t eat pork because I was trying to keep kosher, but we weren’t that religious. It was my way of testing that boundary and having some control over food.

Almost every woman who I have interviewed has brought up the word “control” 

Boys get the, “eat up, it will put some hair on your chest!” or “eat more, you’re a growing boy!” Girls don’t get that at all. Nobody ever questioned my brother’s eating habits, but mine were under a microscope. Honestly though, I don’t think my mom knew any other way to be - she still struggles with loving her body, I think. 

What’s your approach to eating and cooking today?

Nothing will fuck my day up faster than eating something sweet for breakfast. It makes me way too sleepy. I need a green juice and a banana or something with protein in the morning. I love a giant glass of water with lemon to start my day. I love to cook, but takeout feels luxurious these days. Matcha sans milk in the afternoon is my favorite treat. 

I know that you love dinner parties. What is your favorite part of hosting?

I can’t relax unless my space is clean. I spend a lot of time making my home feel organized, comfortable and vibe-y. I think having a house full of people recharges a home’s battery. The light feels right, the walls are warm, everything is softer. I love feeding people and drinking too many bottles of wine. A dinner party is a success if I laugh so hard I almost pee my pants.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.