don’t waver for anyone

Dey is 33 years old, and works as a Director of Operations. She resides in Los Angeles, California.

What’s your most indulgent pleasure?

I have so many but my number one is ice cream. Bread, butter, and chocolate are in there, too. These are the things that I love and I don’t stop myself from indulging ever. They’ve never done me wrong -laughs-.

What are your healthiest pleasures?

I love plantain chips and avocado. I know, I know. Avocado is so California.

What role did food have in your house growing up?

All of my family gatherings are centered around food. My family is from South Carolina and moved to Chicago in the ‘80s. I grew up on good, southern cooking. Our Thanksgiving is not typical. We make all of the traditional dishes, and then we make one dish that is the favorite of each person. We have a lot of food! But it’s made that way so that you can bring your friends, everyone can make a plate and take it home for your parents or for someone who couldn’t make it out for the holiday.

What are the main-stays of South Carolina cooking?

Cornbread, collard greens, baked macaroni and cheese, all meats are smoked or grilled. I can taste it all just thinking about it. The consistency of my family’s cooking is incredible.

How do those recipes get passed down through generations?

They got passed down through generations due to gender roles. In my family women cook. Except for me, I don’t cook. I’m the taster. I can make a meal because I had to learn how to survive, but I just don’t enjoy it. I think it’s really important to pass down those recipes, I just don’t think I will be the one to do that. My sister took that on, though. She can make cornbread that tastes the same as when my great grandmother made it.

The margin for error there is very small. No one is going to be polite about that -laughs-

No, they’re gonna ask, “who made this?” -laughs-

I’ve been looking at the dinner tables I’ve been around and more often than not it’s the women who are doing the cooking and cleaning. It’s powerful for you to not take on that role.

It is women who are doing the cooking and the cleaning. I don’t see that happening in my home, though. I don’t enjoy cooking. I don’t enjoy being hot in the kitchen. I don’t enjoy my apartment or clothes smelling like food. I enjoy being able to sit and have a meal, instead of having to do everything else. My boyfriend and I take turns cleaning, but neither of us cook.

This is what palette is about. Women deciding for themselves how they would like to engage in the arts of eating and cooking. It’s a form of feminism to make those decisions and not feel bad about them.

How did you figure out how to nourish yourself?

That’s a lifelong journey. It took a lot of growing to get to where I am now. I’m from the south side of Chicago, and Chicago is a huge food city but I didn’t get a chance to experience those parts of the city until I got a little bit older. When I was young it was so hard to find healthy food options. We had tons of fast-food restaurants. You ate and liked what was around you and what you had access to. I didn’t know that I enjoy and like healthier foods until I got older.

If I went to a restaurant and I really liked what was on the menu, but it was really expensive, then I would just get a job there. Then I could eat for free or my family or friends could get discounts. That way I could open it up to my community. You know, you get your tribe, then you keep your tribe, and just share everything that you’re learning with them.

This sounds like an entire lifestyle.

Food is so important.  It’s about experiences, and experiences are memories. Memories are the foundation for how you are growing.

When I moved to California, I had to completely change my palate. For one month I ate clean and after that eating here became super easy. I’m that analytical. I had to cut out fast food, salt, butter, dairy, and stick to this diet in order to train myself to eat healthier.

What was the impetus for that? 

It was because I was unhappy. I couldn’t find food that lived up to the food in Chicago. I thought, if this is where I’m going to be, let me learn how to live on the West Coast. There’s a lot more attention given to being healthy here. Now, I can’t eat how I used to.

How does wellness and self-care play into this for you?

Wellness is a huge part of my daily life.  I wake up, put on my meditative music, meditate, stretch, light candles, sit down and have a meal with myself every morning. I have two hard-boiled eggs, two pieces of toast, coffee, juice, and a glass of water. I don’t feel satisfied or complete if I don’t get to do that in the morning. It’s two solid hours of mentally preparing myself, embracing myself, and loving myself for whatever is to come. It’s been nice to do this despite everything else that is happening in the world.

We have to find the practices and routines that make all of this feel okay, because it doesn’t feel okay in just about every other way.

What does a healthy body feel like to you?

It feels light. There was a time when I felt heavy and sluggish and I knew that I wasn’t healthy. A healthy body is ready to get up and walk 8 miles if she needs to. Between working out, meditating, and eating really well, I’m the healthiest I have ever been.  I eat what I want but if I feel like I’ve overdone it, then I’ll try to balance that out.

How has modeling impacted you in that respect?

Modeling is not for the faint of heart. When you get into modeling at a young age, it’s not easy. You’re growing into yourself while the entire world is telling you that you have to look a certain way and and asking you to change something that is not possible to change. When I started modeling, they wanted me to lose my hips, which is impossible. An agent joked and said, “you can get them shaved down.” I was 18. Now, modeling is nothing like when I first started. I would have probably be considered plus-size in the nineties. There is still a lot of work to be done, but now, people are still willing to book me even though I’ve gained weight.

What’s crazy is that all of these beauty norms are completely made up.

The weight that these beauty norms carry is tremendous. The way they have been constructed globally, for years, is mind-boggling. To have an idea of the standard of beauty, to the point where people are restricting or enhancing how much they are intaking food, that is a deep psychological power that the media and everyone else in the beauty and fashion industries has.

A lot of people’s paychecks depend on creating those images. I think of it as a uniquely feminine experience, too. We’re products of our environment.

The whole world is telling you to be something. Small, tall, big, little, fat, thin. As an adult, it is easier to find space for you to exist. But, all adults were children at one point. You grow up with these preconceptions and you just don’t know what is true. 

I think about what women look like in every country. We look at nature and say, “this is so beautiful” yet humans have decided that 1% of the population is beautiful.

It’s psychological warfare that controls people’s minds. There’s not a single standard in nature that is beautiful. You find the beauty in all of it.

We have plus-sized models, the body positivity movement, and then we have wellness and self-care. What gets lost in all of this is that women are still asked to define themselves within these boxes.

We do it for the comfort and standard of someone else. It’s like, decide and be who you want to be, but in these categories. Find a lane and be in one of those.

Do you feel like body-image is a taboo topic?

No one wants to hear from a model about body-image. No one wants to hear anything that I have to say because they think I’m the problem. People feel like I can’t relate. It’s a different struggle, but nevertheless, it’s still a struggle. This is how I was born, this is the skin that I’m in. As a black female, who is not super thick, the experience is completely different. Black women are supposed to be curvy, thick and voluptuous in areas that I have never been.

What is your wish for the women of the world in terms of eating and cooking at this moment?

This is probably the first time that a lot of people have extended time alone. I want people to find what it is that they need for themselves, independent of others, and choose that. Just be. Before there can ever be the person of your dreams, children, there is just going to be you by yourself. Find the thing that is you, move forward with that. Everything else will fall in line.

I don’t cook. I don’t have any intention of cooking anytime soon. People ask me all the time, “what are you going to do for your kids?” I can make a meal for them to eat and I can take care of myself. Cooking is not even in the top ten things I do. I work, I do many other things and cooking is not one of them. I urge people to make a decision, feel comfortable and move forward. Don’t waver for anyone.

This interview has been edited and condensed