a light in the dark

Kelsey is 30 years old and works in event design and production, most recently as Director of Events at Milk Makeup. She resides in Brooklyn, New York with her boyfriend Jordan.

What role did food have in your household growing up?

I was an athlete growing up. My dad always cooked for us. He would do things like wake up at 4 am and cook us breakfast burritos before our soccer games. We had a homemade meal every night. I never really thought about my relationship with food because I was always sitting down with my family to eat. It was simple. My dad always had his garden, too. It was really important to him. He would grow basil, tomatoes, everything you could think of. Last time I was home, my boyfriend and I helped my mom get the garden back into shape. 

It sounds like you’re in a phase of life of wanting to focus on things like gardening, things your parents or your dad did, what has that been like?

So many memories throughout my life are related back to my dad, and cooking. My Dad passed away on November 2nd so Thanksgiving is a really hard time for us. It was really important to me that first Thanksgiving that I made a dish of his that I thought I could make and that I really loved. I chose his baked cheesy potato gratin. To make it, you chop up the potatoes, add lots of cheese and heavy cream and put it in the oven. I remember thinking to myself, this isn't going to taste how Dad made it. I wish it were better. 

I haven’t had many signs of my Dad. Someone told me that I haven’t been able to experience his spirit because I don’t want to let go of him in the physical world. My mom sees my Dad in butterflies, and my sister sees him in birds.

That same night after I made the gratin, something crazy happened. I woke up in the middle of the night. It was 4 am and I was thinking, what is that? I got out of bed and realized that it was the oven beeping in the kitchen. The oven that I had used to bake his recipe. I turned it off and went back to bed, but I knew that the beeping was him. He was saying, “you did just fine, Kelsey.” That was one of the few times that I have experienced him in that way. 

For his funeral, he had this amazing recipe book that we put on display. I got two kegs of his favorite beer from McMenamins, and we had them at the church venue. The beer is a mix of beers called Ruby Ale that you can’t get in kegs, but the brewery did it for me. We had his favorite food brought in. German chocolate cake, the dish that my dad had made for my mom when they first celebrated a birthday together. I also had a picture of him with his favorite pizza, which we served, along with wings from this place that we used to go to as a family in Corvallis.

It was really important for me to have his cookbook on display at his funeral. He would always write notes and highlight things in it. It’s really special.

How do you try to create those moments that remind you of your Dad?

The first time I met my boyfriend, Jordan, I cooked him a meal that I had never tried before. I knew it was something that my dad would do - try even if you fail. When I was younger and trying to impress a guy, I would buy a nice bottle of wine and do a cheese plate and buy a baguette. Now I’m really starting to enjoy fresh, homemade food. It’s so simple and really not that much harder. It may look more complicated but it's just about finding the right ingredients. Before when I was working a ton, I just didn’t have the opportunity. I was getting Sweetgreen for lunch if I had time, and Thai takeout for dinner. Now that I have a more time I’m cooking again and it feels really great. 

Quarantine has allowed us enough time to do something as simple as make a meal for ourselves. When you talk about making a meal for your boyfriend, it sounds like you’re in flow.

I am. It’s this innate thing that is within you. You just have to tap into it. There are so many things going on in the world, it's a moment of zen. It’s a time to disconnect and focus on something that is right in front of me. Just the ingredients and my hands.

It’s an opportunity for self-love. To give yourself that joy that cooking meals for yourself can bring.

I was recently home visiting my mom who now lives alone. My dad would always cook breakfast for her. Just bacon and eggs. So I took on that role of waking up early, taking care of her, giving her the joy of being able to sit down, smell the scents of the bacon and eggs, hearing me in the kitchen, and kind of bask in those memories. I like to translate that feeling to my mom and others when I can.

What meal or dish feels like home to you?

My dad cooked so many. Whenever I would drive home to Corvallis from Seattle once a month, he would text me and say, “send me your grocery list.” Then he would cook three dishes and put them in Tupperware for me so that I would have something to eat for the 3 weeks until I came back to visit. His fresh salsa and bruschetta feel like home. Anything with tomatoes feels like home. Also, blueberry pancakes. My dad would pick blueberries from the garden and make them. Waking up to those smells feel like home.

There are a few things that get in the way of that joy and flow for women, one of which being body image.

It’s always been a struggle. I remember the first time I thought about it in high school. One of my friends said that she had the flabbiest arms in the group. You start hearing and seeing these things and once your body starts to change you just kind of have to shift with it. You have to learn to treat your body with the respect and kindness you deserve.

I gained a bunch of weight my first year in college. Not even the freshman fifteen, more like the freshman fifty. I had to check myself a little bit and think about food consciously again, and exercise. I came home that summer and my dad cooked for me, and then I got it right sophomore year. As soon as I got out of that dorm environment and started cooking for myself, that's when I started to have a better relationship with food, too. I should probably address it more than I have but what I've realized as I’ve gotten older is “everything in moderation” is a good mantra. I can have ice cream if I don't have a whole pint -laughs-.

Enjoying the flavors and taste of food, being more present in the moment, and incorporating exercise has helped me find that balance.

What is your wish for the women of the world when it comes to eating and cooking?

Don’t judge others. Speak positively. I consciously don’t tell my friends that they look thin or make comments about what they order when we’re out to eat. I try to focus on other things. When we have the opportunity to be together, there are such better topics of conversation.

Since losing my dad, I try to be present and grateful for life and what I have. I’m grateful to be able to enjoy a glass of wine and a beautiful meal. I try to be appreciative, and share that with others. Most people don't realize that they have that until they've lost it.

This interview has been edited and condensed.