a source of pleasure

Priya is 34 years old and works as a Design Researcher. She resides in Los Angeles.

What is the last thing that you ate?

Today I stepped out at like 2:45 pm and got an In n’ Out burger -laughs- Since I started working from home I find myself eating lunch at really inconsistent and odd hours. Even this many months into quarantine, I still struggle with creating a regular eating schedule for myself. 

What is the last thing that you cooked?

I don’t cook much at all -laughs-  I’m visiting my Mom in the Bay Area right now, so I’m really relishing in her South Indian vegetarian cooking. It’s such a source of comfort for me.

Tell me more about that source of comfort

There is something very healing about my Mom cooking for me. It’s a full sensory experience: hearing the low rumble of the exhaust fan, the sounds of oil and spices crackling in the pan, seeing steam rise from different sized pots on the stove, hearing the blender roar for a few intense moments, and then finally seeing everything laid out on the counter, in all its colorful glory, and breathing in all the beautiful savory smells and aromas from each dish.

We’re eating dishes like curried vegetables with coconut, tomato rasam with lots of root vegetables, sambar, chapati, rice, yogurt, and pickled mango or lime. Very simple, earthy elements, but with so much incredible flavor and balance, too. And the food itself is so grounding. Indian cooking is rooted in an ancient understanding of the body, its digestive system, and how that impacts energy levels and mood, so every ingredient has a purpose beyond its taste.

That sounds beautiful. Are these dishes that you know how to cook for yourself?

For many years I never took an interest in learning. I was caught up in the typical distractions of life, taking for granted that my Mom would always be around to make this food for me. 

But as I’ve gotten older and started thinking about having a family of my own, and confronted the reality that my Mom will not always be around, I’ve started to feel this sense of urgency around learning how to make these dishes with her.

I can make a simple sambar, rasam, poriyal, and fish fry. But I have still yet to master the holy grail of my mom’s cooking: her crab curry. It’s so delicious and she usually makes it whenever my sister or I visit. It’s slightly sweet and uses a lot of desiccated coconut, and the seafood comes from our Goan ancestry. It’s not something you’ll see at most Indian restaurants, it’s a special South Indian delicacy.

What role does food play in your family?

I think food was primarily a way for my parents to feel connected to where they came from while being so far away from their families. It was also a way to remind their children where they come from, and give us some sense of cultural fluency through food. 

When I visit family in Bangalore, it’s clear how food plays a role in keeping everyone connected amid the stress of everyday life. My two uncles, one of their wives, their son, the son’s wife, and their young child all live in the same house. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner, everyone comes together and takes a seat at this long wooden table. There are usually a bunch of aluminum dishes and plates with home-cooked vegetables, curries, yogurts, and pickles, which my aunt has prepared using whatever fresh ingredients were being sold by the street vendors that morning. Everyone eats slowly, tells stories, and one uncle who is the comedian of the family is usually cracking jokes that make everyone laugh to the point of tears.

If you ever visit a big Indian city, you can feel this pretty palpable energy and the intensity of the pace of life there. But meals are an important ritual for slowing down and coming together, before rushing off to the next thing.

When did you start to understand what food made you feel good?

Honestly, I’m still figuring it out. I’ve had the privilege of having lunch and sometimes dinner provided by every company I’ve worked for since I started working in tech almost 12 years ago. Now that I’m in my thirties, I’m realizing that I can’t eat whatever I want and get away with it. Food, exercise, sleep, and my stress levels, all affect my mood and energy levels, and it’s more obvious at this age when one of these is out of balance. I’m trying to take a more holistic approach to understand what I need to do to feel good these days. Part of that is being more mindful of what I put into my body and how that makes me feel. 

We’re missing an education about something that is so human: how to fuel ourselves. How has your relationship with food changed over time?

I think it’s sort of what I was mentioning before. I just didn’t really use to think about it that much, and now it’s something I’m trying to approach more intentionally, gently, and sort of with an experimental mindset. 

How do you think body image has played into that for you?

I definitely go through waves of feeling more or less confident about my body like most people, but food has never been something I’m willing to sacrifice in terms of dieting or deprivation. I just love food too much, and it’s a source of pleasure that I don’t want to turn into a source of stress or shame. 

When it comes to body image, what I struggle with more than food itself is my own thoughts. I’ve realized through meditation and therapy that while I carry a lot of confidence in the workplace and social settings, I have a lot of deep work to do around my self-esteem. My inner voice can be extremely critical about my physical appearance: the size of my thighs, the shape of my breasts, the asymmetry of this or that. 

Something I’ve been working on lately, in addition to creating a healthier, more healing relationship with food, is more positive self-talk, reminding myself that I am beautiful, regal, and worthy at every size I’ve been and will be, and practicing gratitude for the body I’ve been given and what it allows me to do: stretch, take a walk in the forest, dance, hug the people I love, and move through each day with a minimal amount of pain. These are the things I’m trying to remind myself of lately.

How do you think that women are required to behave in society when it comes to food?

I think women are still expected by mainstream American society to be delicate, graceful, and restrained in all things that involve pleasure, including food, and for that matter, sex. We’re not supposed to eat ravenously, get messy, make sound, or revel in the experience and deep satisfaction of food, or we risk appearing less feminine, which is such an oppressive construct. Don’t get me wrong, hearing someone chew loudly is not my favorite sound, but I love the act of eating, savoring food, and getting really into that moment. In Indian culture, we eat with our hands, we touch our food, and we lick our bowls and plates so as to not be wasteful and out of respect to whoever made the food. But in America, especially in a place like Los Angeles, I think many women still have this fraught relationship with food, because it’s so tied to this performance of femininity, Western notions of “civility,” and sex appeal which I’ve always found quite exhausting.

What famous person would you love to sit down for a meal with?

AOC. She is so intelligent, sharp, wise beyond her years, and yet incredibly humble. I would love to share a meal with her, and the whole Squad, for that matter. They are all helping bring about deep cultural and political transformation in this country, and I am so inspired by their dedication to helping those who need it most, even in the face of great challenges.

This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.