my senses changed

Shamitris is 31 years old, and works as a Resource Management Coordinator. She resides in New York City, New York.

I’m so excited to interview you for palette today

I’m excited too! I used to watch a lot of Food Network and make a ton of recipes. I swore I was going to go to culinary school. “Emeril Lagasse! Bam!” That was my guy! I love him. I loved Iron Chef when it first came out. It wasn’t even in English but I used to love it because you could see the chefs create the most beautiful meal out of the weirdest shit -laughs-.

Food was always special to me until I got my diagnosis. Afterwards, my body just kind of shifted and now food doesn’t really taste as good. My senses are just completely off. But prior to that, I was a big foodie. I would go to restaurants and try different things. I think it also came from my grandmother who cooked traditional Panamanian cuisine. She used to cook for the whole family and tell everyone to come by and get a plate. It was always so good.

What are the mainstays of Panamanian food?

Rice and peas is a classic dish. My grandmother’s way of making it is with red kidney beans, coconut milk, white rice, herbs, and seasoning. Then you have dishes like stewed chicken, chicken soup from scratch with dumplings, corn, potato, yucca, yam. There's cucumber salad, potato salad, tamales. You can get real Spanish, but the thing with Panama is that it is also in The Caribbean. So you can get Latino food, and Caribbean food. It’s the best of both worlds.

You talked about your diagnosis. What has your relationship with food been like before and after?

Before my diagnosis of Adenomyosis, I would eat a lot. My cousins used to call me a garbage disposal -laughs-.

After the diagnosis is when my symptoms started kicking in. My senses changed. Now foods don’t smell or taste the same and I barely have an appetite. It’s very unfortunate and something that I’m consistently trying to fight against. I force myself to eat every 3-4 hours just to maintain a healthy weight. If I stop eating for a day or two I drop weight so quickly. I remember when I first started to lose weight in 2017. It was so difficult to get ready in the morning and get dressed for work because I was going into my closet and seeing how my clothes no longer fit. Seeing how I looked in the mirror, my self-esteem went down. I force myself to eat because I don’t want to go back to being so small. I didn't feel good and I didn’t look good to myself. When I see pictures from then, in my mind I’m thinking about the fact that I wasn’t eating.

It sucks because my refrigerator is empty. Typically it would be so full of what I need and want. Since the diagnosis, even grocery shopping is very hard because I would buy the usual stuff, tell myself to cook something but I either wouldn’t have the energy or I wouldn’t trust my senses anymore. I didn’t know if there was enough salt or pepper so I stopped buying groceries and cooking meals. I’ve been putting burritos in the oven or making myself scrambled eggs. Just keeping it simple until I can figure out why I feel this way and how I can stop it. This diagnosis has really messed up my relationship with food and cooking, but I just have to figure it out. This is why I created my blog My Peach Fuzz. The goal of it is awareness because I wish I would have known about my diagnosis and understood more about it way earlier than I did. 

As women, we wear our struggles so well. We’re strong and we wear this armor and we make it work because we have to. I think it’s important to start talking about these internal struggles so that we can support each other. 

I hate when people call me “brave”. Brave because what? Because I’m talking about some real-life shit, but you think it’s taboo? We have to get away from the stigmas, the judgmental way of thinking or talking. Everybody goes through shit and there are a lot of people who decide not to talk about it. If people talked about it, it would be more normal, and more people would feel okay to share their own story. Through my blog, I try to diminish the misconception of what women go through in my situation. 

Can you tell me about your blog?

I started my blog, My Peach Fuzz, about a year ago. I didn’t know what to do or where to go and I felt like the doctors had no information. They couldn’t help me. When I got my diagnosis, after my MRI, it took me a month afterward to even get an appointment to learn what was going on. The doctor had to google what my condition was. Seeing her look it up on the computer I knew she didn’t know what she was talking about. I knew she didn’t know how to have that conversation with me. It was so disheartening. One doctor said to me, “honestly I can’t remember touching on this topic in medical school. You seem to know way more about it than I do.” It leaves you feeling like there isn’t anyone there to help you or figure it out. I told my mom that I was scared I was going to die. The pain was so severe and there was nothing to take it away. I wasn’t eating anything. I saw myself go from a healthy 150 to 120 in a couple of months. I had to go do my own research. I had to figure out what I could do on my own and put the pieces together. I’m still doing that. I’m trying to figure out what I can do or eat to take the pain away or minimize it. I have my eating schedule because I don’t want to get back to looking like a skeleton. I hope that people can use my blog as a guide. If something doesn’t work for me, maybe it will work for another woman with the same diagnosis. It’s a community because I remember feeling very alone at first. Now I’m using my IG platform to communicate with people, encourage them, and show love because we’re not getting it from anyone else.

I’m in awe of how much you have done. You’re able to live with your pain and also find a way to help others. 

If you help yourself then you can help other people. I felt like it would be selfish of me not to share what I was learning because literally no one in my life knew what this was. I didn’t know what it was. If I talk to my mom on the phone, since she lives in a different state, and tell her that I’m not feeling well, she distances herself because she doesn't know what to say or do. It feels like if you aren’t talking about cancer then people are like, “okay then you’re fine”. I just feel like I have to put myself out there, and talk about how every aspect of my life has changed.

I think the community piece is so valuable. It allows us to talk about the things that people aren’t talking about. Share in experience. We need that so badly.

What’s your wish for the women of the world in terms of the arts of eating and cooking?

I don’t want women to feel like they need to be the domestic one in the house. I used to love cooking, but when you get into a relationship it can become a chore. I want men and women to cook together, to make it an experience. Not let it fall on the person with the feminine energy. Instead, you should come up with recipes together. When you get excited and you’re looking forward to making a meal, because you feel like you can taste it before it’s made, that’s when food tastes so good. 

When I got my diagnosis, I lost my passion for cooking and eating. On the days when I’m not in as much pain, I’ll cook something I really want. Last time I had a craving for baked macaroni and cheese and I made myself some. It was probably the best macaroni and cheese that I have made in a long time because I had such a craving for it. I hope that everyone, especially women, can find and maintain the joy of cooking.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity and brevity.